I personally believe speaking toddler should be considered a bilingual worthy title. I mean, who else but Mommy can decipher the National Anthem and quotes from Charles Dickens out of their two year old's mouth? I can, thank you. But that's besides the point. I had a classic mommy moment today that deserves to be remembered forever, in which I will lovingly share with the cyber community.
My two year old is being very very quiet, a red flag immediately that he is up to no good. I have already found him digging in my purse once today, where he so wonderfully decorated his face with Mommy's new Sephora mascara (see this is why we can't have nice things) and brings me a tampon when I asked him what he had. Thanks baby, how did you ever know that was JUST what Mommy needed?!?!?!
On the second silence occurrence I could not imagine what I would discover. I have found him eating my cupcake chap stick in the corner to eating Reese cups, wrapper and all behind the television stand before (yes, his Pull-Ups were brightly colored Christmas red and green, thank you for asking) so I could not imagine what I'd find now.
I find my sweet little boy with the bag of rainbow colored goldfish he extracted from the pantry (HOW do his arms reach that high?) and, to my shock, he dumped the whole bag on the floor in front of my very eyes.
And the conversation was as follows:
Me: Oh..honey. Why'd you do that? That wasn't nice.
Toddler: Fishie fishie fishie.
Me: But why'd you spill them on the floor? We don't do that.
Toddler: Whoops, I sorry.
Me: It's okay baby. Let's pick them up.
Toddler: Fishie, fishie, swim in the sea.
Me: (Laughs) Yes baby fish swim in the sea. But not on the carpet.
Toddler: (Puts both hands over his face) Ohhhhhhh gosh baby.
Me: Laughing..yes. Oh gosh is right.
Toddler: (Hands still on his face) Ohhhhhhh dear.
Apparently my baby genius is an animal rights activist. He wanted the goldfish to swim in the sea, even if they were only crackers. See, toddler speak comes in handy. My son is now officially a philanthropist, saving one baked snack at a time.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Mom Hair
I know we have all done it. Gone to the grocery store and, without really thinking, picked up a bottle of Pantene and our favorite box of Garnier Fructise hair color. Perhaps we have even walked into a Mastercuts because our own stylist was on vacation, or picked up our husband's small mustache scissors to trim our own split ends. But, these feaux pas are as offensive to a hairstyle as ordering ketchup for our filet mignon at a five star steakhouse. It simply is not nice manners. So, in honor of every hair stylist, including my dear best friend, I have compiled a list of no-no's we never, ever let our stylist know about.
1. Don't let him/her catch you with Herbal Essences, Aussie, Garnier, Pantene, or, heaven forbid, Suave in your beauty line up. Why? Turn that little bottle around and, chances are, alcohol, sulfates, and various other chemicals we could not begin to pronounce will be the main ingredients. Why is this bad? Well, that equates to dry hair and dry hair means damage and breakage. Cheap products, cheap results. Sure, $30.00 shampoo may hurt your feelings a bit, but, it actually lasts longer because it is sulfate free (usually) and works a hundred times better. Trust me.
2. Do not admit to box coloring your hair, doubling if you did so over the beautiful highlights they put in your hair a few weeks ago. Deciding to go dark from summer blonde does not involve picking up those evil boxes. Take yourself down to the salon. The developers in those devilish boxes are like trans fat preservatives. Designed for a longer shelf life, this could mean serious damage. And don't be upset if you picked the wrong shade and those red undertones come out full force, even when you didn't want them to. And, don't be mad when your hair turns a lovely shade of orange, green, or dishwater gray, and you end up back at the salon for color correction. That means expensive, mmkay?
3. While we're talking about boxes, do not use home perms, color oops kits, or DIY hair straighteners. Bad idea. Same rule above. We don't want our hair to fall out do we? Of course not.
4. While on the subject of losing hair, don't let them catch you twirling your hair, intentionally pulling it, or picking at the dead ends. Bring on the lecture, trust me.
5.If you are losing your hair, that is unfortunate, but don't buy Rogaine. It will cause more harm than good. It's kind of like using blood pressure medication. Once you use it once, you kinda have to use it forever. There are salon brand shampoos and treatments that are better.
6. While on the subject of salon brands, don't admit to your stylist you bought your Redken or Matrix (or what have you) at a drugstore,grocery store, or Wal-Mart. Walks like a duck, talks like a duck, but it may not necessarily BE a duck. Product redistribution happens, we can read about it on the Redken website for perfect example. And, on the back of the bottle, in plain English is the phrase the product is only guarenteed if bought from a stylist or salon. Hmmm. I wouldn't skim the ten dollars. You may be putting laundry soap in your hair. It does happen.
7. Don't use rubber bands from the office desk drawer because you forgot your hair ties at home. They are not the same.
8. Don't ever let your favorite stylist you stopped in by Great Clips or Master Cuts because she was booked or you were in a hurry. Five dollar haircuts will get you...well. Feel free. You'll see.
9. Don't use a clothes iron to flat iron your hair. They did it in the 70's. We don't do it now.
10 And finally, don't attempt to cut your own hair, trim your own hair, or anyone else's hair. Even if it is to give your kid bangs. And whatever you do, do not use kitchen or office scissors to do so. You may end up with crooked that can only be fixed with time. I know you'll cry.
1. Don't let him/her catch you with Herbal Essences, Aussie, Garnier, Pantene, or, heaven forbid, Suave in your beauty line up. Why? Turn that little bottle around and, chances are, alcohol, sulfates, and various other chemicals we could not begin to pronounce will be the main ingredients. Why is this bad? Well, that equates to dry hair and dry hair means damage and breakage. Cheap products, cheap results. Sure, $30.00 shampoo may hurt your feelings a bit, but, it actually lasts longer because it is sulfate free (usually) and works a hundred times better. Trust me.
2. Do not admit to box coloring your hair, doubling if you did so over the beautiful highlights they put in your hair a few weeks ago. Deciding to go dark from summer blonde does not involve picking up those evil boxes. Take yourself down to the salon. The developers in those devilish boxes are like trans fat preservatives. Designed for a longer shelf life, this could mean serious damage. And don't be upset if you picked the wrong shade and those red undertones come out full force, even when you didn't want them to. And, don't be mad when your hair turns a lovely shade of orange, green, or dishwater gray, and you end up back at the salon for color correction. That means expensive, mmkay?
3. While we're talking about boxes, do not use home perms, color oops kits, or DIY hair straighteners. Bad idea. Same rule above. We don't want our hair to fall out do we? Of course not.
4. While on the subject of losing hair, don't let them catch you twirling your hair, intentionally pulling it, or picking at the dead ends. Bring on the lecture, trust me.
5.If you are losing your hair, that is unfortunate, but don't buy Rogaine. It will cause more harm than good. It's kind of like using blood pressure medication. Once you use it once, you kinda have to use it forever. There are salon brand shampoos and treatments that are better.
6. While on the subject of salon brands, don't admit to your stylist you bought your Redken or Matrix (or what have you) at a drugstore,grocery store, or Wal-Mart. Walks like a duck, talks like a duck, but it may not necessarily BE a duck. Product redistribution happens, we can read about it on the Redken website for perfect example. And, on the back of the bottle, in plain English is the phrase the product is only guarenteed if bought from a stylist or salon. Hmmm. I wouldn't skim the ten dollars. You may be putting laundry soap in your hair. It does happen.
7. Don't use rubber bands from the office desk drawer because you forgot your hair ties at home. They are not the same.
8. Don't ever let your favorite stylist you stopped in by Great Clips or Master Cuts because she was booked or you were in a hurry. Five dollar haircuts will get you...well. Feel free. You'll see.
9. Don't use a clothes iron to flat iron your hair. They did it in the 70's. We don't do it now.
10 And finally, don't attempt to cut your own hair, trim your own hair, or anyone else's hair. Even if it is to give your kid bangs. And whatever you do, do not use kitchen or office scissors to do so. You may end up with crooked that can only be fixed with time. I know you'll cry.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Old friends and Obituaries
Today may be remembered for a lot of things:
The first time my almost-two year old donned on a pull up and sat on the little potty for more than thirty seconds.
Getting free dinner at nearly every single resteraunt in the United States because it's Veteran's Day. Well, I don't get free dinner. But the veterans do.
And..the day I realized how, no matter how long it has been since you spoke to them, you always have a place in your heart for your friends. So, needless to say, while tending to my self admitted addiction to Farmville, yes Farmville, I noticed a Facebook message from a said old friend. When I read it, another gruesome reality kicked me straight in the gut...right between the eyes if you will. And no matter how much you know it happens, you are never quite prepared to hear the news that a blessed life of another old friend ended..and even worse still when that life ended by their own doing.
With a heavy heart, I will attempt to remember my sweet friend as she was the years I was priviledged to spend with her. Key Club in High School. Tagging along in the backseat going to The Aardvark listening to "Fish Heads" and "Push the Little Daisies" on a CD. Going to Oklahoma and realizing that Weatherford does not even have a Wal-mart. Spending New Years playing Taboo and drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade out of Sonic cups while sneaking whiskey from her parents' cabinet. And so many more. Every story I have of her makes me laugh. Every story I was ever told of her adventures with all our old group was even funnier.
And I know for every good sentiment I have of her, her best friends (my out of touch ones) have a hundred more. There have been so many times I have wanted to call one of my old best friends and tell her so many things..thank you for the years we spent together. I saw a Fraggle costume this past Halloween and thought of you. But when speaking of days so long gone, time itself forgot them, what more can you really say? Today I figured it out. Under better circumstances, different ones, I am sure we may never have spoken again. We have both moved on, and I think of you sometimes, as one of my dearest old friends. I can't remember why I was even mad, but I thought of you today when I heard the news. I hope you're okay, though I know in my heart that you aren't. Know that I care about you, at one time you were my very best friend in the world, and I am so sorry to hear, to learn, that one of your oldest and best friends in the world took her own life yesterday. There is no right thing to say. No good thing to say. But I miss you old friend, and thank you for introducing me to her. May her soul finally rest peacefully, and may God grant you the peace to accept that which we cannot change and the strength to keep her alive in your heart. I am sorry we fell out.
Rest in Peace sweet, sweet Becca. May the Father give you the eternal rest you have been searching for. You will be greatly, greatly missed.
The first time my almost-two year old donned on a pull up and sat on the little potty for more than thirty seconds.
Getting free dinner at nearly every single resteraunt in the United States because it's Veteran's Day. Well, I don't get free dinner. But the veterans do.
And..the day I realized how, no matter how long it has been since you spoke to them, you always have a place in your heart for your friends. So, needless to say, while tending to my self admitted addiction to Farmville, yes Farmville, I noticed a Facebook message from a said old friend. When I read it, another gruesome reality kicked me straight in the gut...right between the eyes if you will. And no matter how much you know it happens, you are never quite prepared to hear the news that a blessed life of another old friend ended..and even worse still when that life ended by their own doing.
With a heavy heart, I will attempt to remember my sweet friend as she was the years I was priviledged to spend with her. Key Club in High School. Tagging along in the backseat going to The Aardvark listening to "Fish Heads" and "Push the Little Daisies" on a CD. Going to Oklahoma and realizing that Weatherford does not even have a Wal-mart. Spending New Years playing Taboo and drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade out of Sonic cups while sneaking whiskey from her parents' cabinet. And so many more. Every story I have of her makes me laugh. Every story I was ever told of her adventures with all our old group was even funnier.
And I know for every good sentiment I have of her, her best friends (my out of touch ones) have a hundred more. There have been so many times I have wanted to call one of my old best friends and tell her so many things..thank you for the years we spent together. I saw a Fraggle costume this past Halloween and thought of you. But when speaking of days so long gone, time itself forgot them, what more can you really say? Today I figured it out. Under better circumstances, different ones, I am sure we may never have spoken again. We have both moved on, and I think of you sometimes, as one of my dearest old friends. I can't remember why I was even mad, but I thought of you today when I heard the news. I hope you're okay, though I know in my heart that you aren't. Know that I care about you, at one time you were my very best friend in the world, and I am so sorry to hear, to learn, that one of your oldest and best friends in the world took her own life yesterday. There is no right thing to say. No good thing to say. But I miss you old friend, and thank you for introducing me to her. May her soul finally rest peacefully, and may God grant you the peace to accept that which we cannot change and the strength to keep her alive in your heart. I am sorry we fell out.
Rest in Peace sweet, sweet Becca. May the Father give you the eternal rest you have been searching for. You will be greatly, greatly missed.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
mom's rules.
My morning begins with loud upstairs neighbors and the uncanny sensation that, at any moment, the elephant couple with come crashing down through the sorry excuse for plaster ceiling and land on top of me in bed. Sigh. My morning continues pitifully upon realizing that I had to shake the industrial sized can of coffee for a full scoop and I am wonderfully out of coffee mate.
Before my children come bounding out of bed with a vengenance, I am able to enjoy a cup, albeit mostly water and sugar and claim twenty minutes of CNN before the TV spends its day on Seasme Street and Sponge Bob. My days are all very different, yet somehow, very much the same.
Now, it is naptime. Again, I am enjoying a nuked cup from my half-desirable morning pot and looking around at the strewn toys, the disfigured rug, the empty juice cups, and the smashed peanut butter sandwiches. Having boys is a real adventure, I can assure you. They are so much like angels when they sleep, I don't want to wake them up. No really, don't wake my children up elephant couple upstairs. Before bedtime I have to fish out the juice box my two year old stuffed inside the sub-wolfer (I think that's what to call it?) and spray the growing yellow jacket nest on the balcony. And don't mention the never ending pile of laundry I swear I just washed yesterday. I can't imagine my mother ever going through these type of "mommy situations." Oh, in fact, I know she didn't.
First of all, my mother drinks tea. Yes, tea. Well. Actually it's more of a heavy sugar-milk concotion flavored with a tiny sachet of Earl Grey. I love Earl Gray. Not my mother's way though. How can a tea drinker possibly relate to a coffee drinker? She says caffeine makes you age badly. I say lack therefore makes everyone around you feel even worse than aging badly. Two very different kinds of mommies: The coffee drinking, sports car driving, non-recycling mommy, also known as myself... and..of course, the tea drinking, slow SUV driving, every dinner is out to eat kind of a mom, also described as mine.
My mother had only one child to raise: a non destructive, prissy, sparkly hot pink loving, Barbie kind of a daughter. I have two rough housing, hyper, toy throwing, food smashing, monster truck kind of sons. Not that's not a wonderful thing. It is. Because I cannot ever be blamed for screwing up my daughter since she does not even exist. See? It's simply really. Mothers mess up their daughters, fathers mess up their sons. I am free and clear, thank you very much.
On that note, my mother was responsible for making me neurotic, but not necessarily in a bad way. She taught me to be polite, respect your elders, and cuss out the %^&*!@#$ -#@$%^&*!@ woman at Wal-mart that almost hits your brand new Nissan Murano with her broken down mini-van in the parking lot. She taught me everything is sentimental, never donate your underwear, pay attention in math because it really is important AND useful, and how to use the value of a dollar plus a few hundred to buy every color of the cute new shirt in Express. My mom was wonderful. As a child the rules were easy: make a path for the housekeeper (maid was an ugly word) to come clean my room biweekly, once you use a towel once it is dirty, put it in the laundry chute and NOT the floor!, don't keep Barbies naked, and don't draw on the walls. I didn't even have to make my bed. I earned five dollars for emptying the silverware caddy in the dishwasher (leave the knives, they're too sharp) and never, EVER loaned my shoes out to admiring eyes. What a childhood.
Now I need coffee to muck through the morning, I have to make the beds (I don't get why, you just mess them up anyway), and I don't get five dollars for emptying the ENTIRE dishwasher. What gives? And so far, math has not helped me with much. Except to see how much flies out of my bank account every month. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Some days, I really wish mom's rules still applied to me. Her new rules aren't as cushy. And she lives 2500 miles away now, making it next to impossible to convince her to take me shopping and have dinner with me at The Hacienda. Or Red Robin. Or Gordon Biersch. Or yummier still, Three Margaritas. Hmm.
Thanks mom. I don't loan my shoes. And a towel used once IS dirty. And it doesn't ever go on the floor.
Before my children come bounding out of bed with a vengenance, I am able to enjoy a cup, albeit mostly water and sugar and claim twenty minutes of CNN before the TV spends its day on Seasme Street and Sponge Bob. My days are all very different, yet somehow, very much the same.
Now, it is naptime. Again, I am enjoying a nuked cup from my half-desirable morning pot and looking around at the strewn toys, the disfigured rug, the empty juice cups, and the smashed peanut butter sandwiches. Having boys is a real adventure, I can assure you. They are so much like angels when they sleep, I don't want to wake them up. No really, don't wake my children up elephant couple upstairs. Before bedtime I have to fish out the juice box my two year old stuffed inside the sub-wolfer (I think that's what to call it?) and spray the growing yellow jacket nest on the balcony. And don't mention the never ending pile of laundry I swear I just washed yesterday. I can't imagine my mother ever going through these type of "mommy situations." Oh, in fact, I know she didn't.
First of all, my mother drinks tea. Yes, tea. Well. Actually it's more of a heavy sugar-milk concotion flavored with a tiny sachet of Earl Grey. I love Earl Gray. Not my mother's way though. How can a tea drinker possibly relate to a coffee drinker? She says caffeine makes you age badly. I say lack therefore makes everyone around you feel even worse than aging badly. Two very different kinds of mommies: The coffee drinking, sports car driving, non-recycling mommy, also known as myself... and..of course, the tea drinking, slow SUV driving, every dinner is out to eat kind of a mom, also described as mine.
My mother had only one child to raise: a non destructive, prissy, sparkly hot pink loving, Barbie kind of a daughter. I have two rough housing, hyper, toy throwing, food smashing, monster truck kind of sons. Not that's not a wonderful thing. It is. Because I cannot ever be blamed for screwing up my daughter since she does not even exist. See? It's simply really. Mothers mess up their daughters, fathers mess up their sons. I am free and clear, thank you very much.
On that note, my mother was responsible for making me neurotic, but not necessarily in a bad way. She taught me to be polite, respect your elders, and cuss out the %^&*!@#$ -#@$%^&*!@ woman at Wal-mart that almost hits your brand new Nissan Murano with her broken down mini-van in the parking lot. She taught me everything is sentimental, never donate your underwear, pay attention in math because it really is important AND useful, and how to use the value of a dollar plus a few hundred to buy every color of the cute new shirt in Express. My mom was wonderful. As a child the rules were easy: make a path for the housekeeper (maid was an ugly word) to come clean my room biweekly, once you use a towel once it is dirty, put it in the laundry chute and NOT the floor!, don't keep Barbies naked, and don't draw on the walls. I didn't even have to make my bed. I earned five dollars for emptying the silverware caddy in the dishwasher (leave the knives, they're too sharp) and never, EVER loaned my shoes out to admiring eyes. What a childhood.
Now I need coffee to muck through the morning, I have to make the beds (I don't get why, you just mess them up anyway), and I don't get five dollars for emptying the ENTIRE dishwasher. What gives? And so far, math has not helped me with much. Except to see how much flies out of my bank account every month. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Some days, I really wish mom's rules still applied to me. Her new rules aren't as cushy. And she lives 2500 miles away now, making it next to impossible to convince her to take me shopping and have dinner with me at The Hacienda. Or Red Robin. Or Gordon Biersch. Or yummier still, Three Margaritas. Hmm.
Thanks mom. I don't loan my shoes. And a towel used once IS dirty. And it doesn't ever go on the floor.
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